Welcome to my crazy mind

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Thursday, July 10

Ok guys don't take this as a return to blogger for me, but I was just scanning my xanga n found this comment left by the Notorius Bra for writing "Los Cientos" in one of my entries ... it cracked me up soo much that I just HAVE to share it with all of you =) ~ For those of you who know us, I think you'll find this little tidbit rather amusing =P

"i can't believe you.. all the "hey who do you have for spanish??" questions you asked me everyother day back in hs WHEN we were in the SAME CLASS AND I SAT TWO SEATS BEHIND YOU~!!! (breaaaaaaaaaaaathe) all dat torture for nothing.. to get a "los cintos" out of you.. lo siento profesor Scharfman... but i'm gonna have to hit her... "

So Bra ... Who did you have for Spanish again? Hehehe, Luv u girl ;)

I'll keep you all posted if I decide to start up another blogger .. in the meanwhile take carez n hope all is well =)

posted by 1 Confused Duck / 1:30 AM

Wednesday, June 25

(insert your picture here)


posted by 1 Confused Duck / 3:31 PM

Tuesday, April 22

Sorry this message will not apply to most of you ... so close ur eyes, shut ur ears, pretend u never read it =P hehehe

Message: You know who you are
Please stop reading this site. I don't feel comfortable with you reading up on my life as it leaves me feeling rather violated. If I have not spoken to you in a while, I have my reasons. Although this site is posted on the internet, it was aimed towards allowing my friends to keep updated. For whatever reason that you may have for wanting to contact me or be informed, please let's leave it in the past. I don't wish to have any further connections and I would appreciate it if you respected that.

posted by 1 Confused Duck / 2:58 PM

Thursday, April 10

that's it .. no more personal updates. All I can think of when i look at this site now is - violated

posted by 1 Confused Duck / 6:42 AM

Tuesday, April 1

you suck, and that's sad
you are the "you suck, and that's sad"
happy bunny. your truthful, but can be a bit

which happy bunny are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

AHAHAHAHAHHAHA ... true? .. nah!

ok this is me at point delerium speaking ....

posted by 1 Confused Duck / 4:24 PM

a few days back ..

Losing grip, losing sight, losing what i thought, i wanted in my life. All the sounds, all the thoughts, crossing through my mind, how do i stop, how do i make things right? The more i want, the more i try, the more i can't change, these moments in life.
When things keep spiralling, falling out of control, making brighter days, seem out of hands hold. There's no source for comfort, everything's so cold, living an identity, i no longer even know. surrounded by people, all who come and go, there's nothing constant, just the feeling of being alone.
Wanting to make sense, with happiness in sight, not willing to give up, without putting up a fight. Just show me the way, show me what's right, I don't know where to go, just get me out of this life. Feeling of frustration, a constant struggle without light, why can't just for once, my future turn out to be bright?

posted by 1 Confused Duck / 2:49 PM

Wednesday, March 26

With a buncha of work to complete beyond my capabilities, or rather at the cost of my sleep, I find myself sitting here at this coffee shop blogging. Yes, blogging. You would think that any sane person would be trying their best to get all the tasks done, but nope, not me!

Anyways, so basically had a "organizing meeting" today with a bunch of peopl eon the issue of war. Last week when we talked about it, honestly i didn't think that much would come of it ... you know talk is just talk, but when it comes to taking action, not many people actually do. But they did. 15 people showed when i thought only 3 would. We even got an out of town guest, who happened to be around my age, meet with us and give us suggestions based on her experience. (Just a side note - This girl was sooo down to earth. New Yorker at heart and definitely by her accent ;p, her passion is just inspiring)
I thought that I would just be a participant in this meeting. Just attending it to feel things out ... But instead I ended up facilitating the meeting and being the designated coordinator for this stuff now. I don't know what it was .. maybe because of the topic, maybe because everyone took time out of their own busy schedule's to attend, maybe because if i didn't step up my awe at the fact that 15 showed rather than three and the implications that that had towards our power would be wasted if i didn't step up - I did it. I gathered my thoughts and my confidence and I did it. (Much thanks to Michelle's faith in me) ... It was exhilerating. For once I felt like I did something active to contribute to a cause. For once I felt true confidence. For once I stepped up.

Although the meeting went well, I still have so many mixed feelings. Hearing everyone share their perspective on how the war has affected them personally, was comforting in way i never thought.
For the past week I've been filled with a jumble of emotions i didn't know how to deal with. I felt so alone because I didn't know anyone else who could empathize with the overwhelming emotions of confusion, fear, despair, and sadness that I felt because of this war. There hasn't been a day that's passed by without me thinking about my friends, my hs classmates, all who were sent over and where they are now. I couldn't concentrate on anything, I could barely even understand what it was I felt and why i felt that way, never mind finding others who were going thorugh the same thing. But today, I heard people putting into words the emotions I couldn't understand. The feeling of wanting to support our troops yet wanting to have them home safe. Of Not wanting to watch the news anymore, with all its propaganda, and entertainment geared news reports - while feeling like I had no choice but to watch because i needed to know. I needed to know how many were killed each day, I needed to search all the headlines and see if there were any names I recognized. I needed to know what was happening to the POW's out there ... I just needed to know and for the first time since this war started I realized that others were going through the same thing. That it wasn't weird that I felt so isolated, so alone, and so helpless.
In a sense I've realized that its hard to relate to the rest of campus and my friends because it didn't seem like they were dealing with war. Everyone's stuck in this little bubble of college life, yet such an option is not as attainable when you can personally put faces to those who may be injured out there .. those who may have died.

I sometimes wonder weather I would pushing myself to take a more active role if it wasn't for the fact that he told me to do something before being shipped off. I realized that those who are fighting for America don't necessarily agree with the cause but have no option but to do their duty. It is their job. So that's where I and all of us come in I guess.
This whole activism thing has put me in a state of emotional confusion. I don't want to become one of those hard core activists that do outragous acts of protest, but at the same time I'll put it as simply as this. As Mathilda said int he meeting today, she didn't want to become one of those people but at the same time it's gotten to a point where she doesn't know when she'll just be pushed to that edge, that edge where you're so traumatized that you do irrational acts. I'm fearful of the same thing. I never thought that I would go out and be part of an organizing group because I am definitely not one of those hard core "peace-anti-war" people but at the same time I almost feel like it's my duty to do something. I can't be at peace with myself knowing that I'm sitting here only worrying about my simple life when there are families, friends, just PEOPLE out there that are fighting a war that they may not agree with, and such a large portion of the general population doesn't agree with.

I guess what I just wanted to share was that for the first time since the day the war started I've found some sort of peace and sense of belonging in knowing that I'm not alone in what I feel and that I'm no longer taking a pasive role.

posted by 1 Confused Duck / 2:26 AM

Saturday, March 22

It's hard not to think about it ... not to let it effect the way i live my life ... not to let it effect my mindset. honestly, the politics are so unclear and the truth is just a matter of who tells it, i don't care anymore, i just want my friend back. all those hundreds of other people's friends and family and loved ones. selfish i know. especially when you look at it from a larger perspective of "national security" and the "threat of terrorism."
is that really what this war is about? and if so, don't other countries have the "right" just as we claim to have, to bomb us as we bomb them. never mind terrorism, we just bomb them directly ...

i don't know what i'm saying. i don't know enough. i just know that as much as i thought this wasn't going to affect me, as much as i thought that i wouldn't think about it, i was wrong.

6 American soldiers were killed, as of today, all marines - the headlines read. how are we supposed to feel about that? how do you concentrate when that's all you see, read, hear on the news. 6 were killed, how many more tomorrow ... the day after ... how many iraqi's have we killed? ........ is he ...

Concentration is improbable. all that floats incessantly at the back of my mind are the words: war, death, shock, awe, danger, threat, killed ... where is he?

... where is he?

posted by 1 Confused Duck / 12:43 AM