Michigan Memories

2003-07-10T01:30:00.000-04:00

Ok guys don't take this as a return to blogger for me, but I was just scanning my xanga n found this comment left by the Notorius Bra for writing "Los Cientos" in one of my entries ... it cracked me up soo much that I just HAVE to share it with all of you =) ~ For those of you who know us, I think you'll find this little tidbit rather amusing =P

"i can't believe you.. all the "hey who do you have for spanish??" questions you asked me everyother day back in hs WHEN we were in the SAME CLASS AND I SAT TWO SEATS BEHIND YOU~!!! (breaaaaaaaaaaaathe) all dat torture for nothing.. to get a "los cintos" out of you.. lo siento profesor Scharfman... but i'm gonna have to hit her... "

So Bra ... Who did you have for Spanish again? Hehehe, Luv u girl ;)

I'll keep you all posted if I decide to start up another blogger .. in the meanwhile take carez n hope all is well =)

2003-06-25T15:31:00.000-04:00

(insert your picture here)
AHAHAHAHAHAHA

2003-04-22T14:58:00.000-04:00

Sorry this message will not apply to most of you ... so close ur eyes, shut ur ears, pretend u never read it =P hehehe

Message: You know who you arePlease stop reading this site. I don't feel comfortable with you reading up on my life as it leaves me feeling rather violated. If I have not spoken to you in a while, I have my reasons. Although this site is posted on the internet, it was aimed towards allowing my friends to keep updated. For whatever reason that you may have for wanting to contact me or be informed, please let's leave it in the past. I don't wish to have any further connections and I would appreciate it if you respected that.

2003-04-10T06:42:00.000-04:00

that's it .. no more personal updates. All I can think of when i look at this site now is - violated

2003-04-01T16:24:00.000-05:00

you are the "you suck, and that's sad"
happy bunny. your truthful, but can be a bit
brutal.

which happy bunny are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

AHAHAHAHAHHAHA ... true? .. nah!

ok this is me at point delerium speaking ....

2003-04-01T14:49:00.000-05:00

a few days back ..

Losing grip, losing sight, losing what i thought, i wanted in my life. All the sounds, all the thoughts, crossing through my mind, how do i stop, how do i make things right? The more i want, the more i try, the more i can't change, these moments in life.
When things keep spiralling, falling out of control, making brighter days, seem out of hands hold. There's no source for comfort, everything's so cold, living an identity, i no longer even know. surrounded by people, all who come and go, there's nothing constant, just the feeling of being alone.
Wanting to make sense, with happiness in sight, not willing to give up, without putting up a fight. Just show me the way, show me what's right, I don't know where to go, just get me out of this life. Feeling of frustration, a constant struggle without light, why can't just for once, my future turn out to be bright?

2003-03-26T02:26:00.000-05:00

With a buncha of work to complete beyond my capabilities, or rather at the cost of my sleep, I find myself sitting here at this coffee shop blogging. Yes, blogging. You would think that any sane person would be trying their best to get all the tasks done, but nope, not me!

Anyways, so basically had a "organizing meeting" today with a bunch of peopl eon the issue of war. Last week when we talked about it, honestly i didn't think that much would come of it ... you know talk is just talk, but when it comes to taking action, not many people actually do. But they did. 15 people showed when i thought only 3 would. We even got an out of town guest, who happened to be around my age, meet with us and give us suggestions based on her experience. (Just a side note - This girl was sooo down to earth. New Yorker at heart and definitely by her accent ;p, her passion is just inspiring)
I thought that I would just be a participant in this meeting. Just attending it to feel things out ... But instead I ended up facilitating the meeting and being the designated coordinator for this stuff now. I don't know what it was .. maybe because of the topic, maybe because everyone took time out of their own busy schedule's to attend, maybe because if i didn't step up my awe at the fact that 15 showed rather than three and the implications that that had towards our power would be wasted if i didn't step up - I did it. I gathered my thoughts and my confidence and I did it. (Much thanks to Michelle's faith in me) ... It was exhilerating. For once I felt like I did something active to contribute to a cause. For once I felt true confidence. For once I stepped up.

Although the meeting went well, I still have so many mixed feelings. Hearing everyone share their perspective on how the war has affected them personally, was comforting in way i never thought.
For the past week I've been filled with a jumble of emotions i didn't know how to deal with. I felt so alone because I didn't know anyone else who could empathize with the overwhelming emotions of confusion, fear, despair, and sadness that I felt because of this war. There hasn't been a day that's passed by without me thinking about my friends, my hs classmates, all who were sent over and where they are now. I couldn't concentrate on anything, I could barely even understand what it was I felt and why i felt that way, never mind finding others who were going thorugh the same thing. But today, I heard people putting into words the emotions I couldn't understand. The feeling of wanting to support our troops yet wanting to have them home safe. Of Not wanting to watch the news anymore, with all its propaganda, and entertainment geared news reports - while feeling like I had no choice but to watch because i needed to know. I needed to know how many were killed each day, I needed to search all the headlines and see if there were any names I recognized. I needed to know what was happening to the POW's out there ... I just needed to know and for the first time since this war started I realized that others were going through the same thing. That it wasn't weird that I felt so isolated, so alone, and so helpless.
In a sense I've realized that its hard to relate to the rest of campus and my friends because it didn't seem like they were dealing with war. Everyone's stuck in this little bubble of college life, yet such an option is not as attainable when you can personally put faces to those who may be injured out there .. those who may have died.

I sometimes wonder weather I would pushing myself to take a more active role if it wasn't for the fact that he told me to do something before being shipped off. I realized that those who are fighting for America don't necessarily agree with the cause but have no option but to do their duty. It is their job. So that's where I and all of us come in I guess.
This whole activism thing has put me in a state of emotional confusion. I don't want to become one of those hard core activists that do outragous acts of protest, but at the same time I'll put it as simply as this. As Mathilda said int he meeting today, she didn't want to become one of those people but at the same time it's gotten to a point where she doesn't know when she'll just be pushed to that edge, that edge where you're so traumatized that you do irrational acts. I'm fearful of the same thing. I never thought that I would go out and be part of an organizing group because I am definitely not one of those hard core "peace-anti-war" people but at the same time I almost feel like it's my duty to do something. I can't be at peace with myself knowing that I'm sitting here only worrying about my simple life when there are families, friends, just PEOPLE out there that are fighting a war that they may not agree with, and such a large portion of the general population doesn't agree with.

I guess what I just wanted to share was that for the first time since the day the war started I've found some sort of peace and sense of belonging in knowing that I'm not alone in what I feel and that I'm no longer taking a pasive role.

2003-03-22T00:43:00.000-05:00

It's hard not to think about it ... not to let it effect the way i live my life ... not to let it effect my mindset. honestly, the politics are so unclear and the truth is just a matter of who tells it, i don't care anymore, i just want my friend back. all those hundreds of other people's friends and family and loved ones. selfish i know. especially when you look at it from a larger perspective of "national security" and the "threat of terrorism."
is that really what this war is about? and if so, don't other countries have the "right" just as we claim to have, to bomb us as we bomb them. never mind terrorism, we just bomb them directly ...

i don't know what i'm saying. i don't know enough. i just know that as much as i thought this wasn't going to affect me, as much as i thought that i wouldn't think about it, i was wrong.

6 American soldiers were killed, as of today, all marines - the headlines read. how are we supposed to feel about that? how do you concentrate when that's all you see, read, hear on the news. 6 were killed, how many more tomorrow ... the day after ... how many iraqi's have we killed? ........ is he ...

Concentration is improbable. all that floats incessantly at the back of my mind are the words: war, death, shock, awe, danger, threat, killed ... where is he?

... where is he?

2003-03-20T03:07:00.000-05:00

Sometimes ... ever get sick of just being yourself?

You know .. just having to deal with all the plus's and minus's of having to be who you are. It's ironic because often people argue the point that everyone should come to terms with who they are and learn to "love themselves." - Almost sounds like the good ol 70's don't you think?

Now normally I buy into this whole mindset ... but I dunno, lately I've just become - tired. Tired of having to deal with myself. Tired of thinking so much, analyzing things to the umpteenth degree, believing that I give things my all when much more could always be done, and just too much of everything but too little of simply LIVING. I mean REALLY living.

somewhere along the way i developed this sense of logic that if i could just better myself and learn to control the things i do and feel, then I could evolve into a better person/friend/companion/sister/daughter/student. But instead of getting closer to these goals it seems like my vision has become too clouded by the details and too focused on the wrong things. ...what I'm beginning to realize is that life isn't about controling everything that you possibly can. It isn't about predictability and molding people or circumstances until they seem fit to your liking - people just aren't like that ... anyways, life just isn't like that - and i guess neither am I

2003-03-20T03:06:00.000-05:00

What does it take to just simply - live? What does it feel like to be a person that wakes up each morning excited at the start of each new day, anticipating all its joys and challenges? Those people that are able to enjoy every second of their lives - do they see things clearer? Are they able to look past the pittfalls of life without letting it faze their spirit? and finally ... what about war? Can they see past that too?

Ever feel like everything is just an elaborate set of mindgames that we all play with each other and ourselves in order to deal with the uncertainties that life throws upon us? I mean just think about it - When something bad happens to a friend or someone close to you, you sit there and try to console them or give them some measure of optimism in the fact that things will get better .. but do we truely believe in the things we say or is it that in the process of us putting on that plastered smile and expressing our optimistic outlook, we actually are trying to convince ourselves just as much as we are trying to convince others in the truth of our words?

When faced with adversity, the cycle of consoling others and ourselves inevitably turns into an elaborate web of rationalization. The story is always different when you're on the other side of the fence and no matter which way you look at it, it seems our minds have a way of just rationalizing every event and action until the situation becomes logical enough to accept. Should we accept these rationalizations or should we challenge this seemingly effortless distortion of reality that we create in order to find things "digestable"?
... and how do we distinguish the difference between pure rationalization and what we truely believe in?

2003-02-10T01:07:00.000-05:00

VALENTINE'S DAY IS ALMOST HERE!!!
@}--->--

~ Hugs & Kisses for Everyone ~
*Hershey kisses that is .. hehe ;)*

*deRf* ~ woulda been better if i knew how to do red in html ... hehe oh wellz ;)

2003-02-02T03:42:00.000-05:00

Lunar Ball 2003 ~
Sweetest moments ~ Greeted by 6 long stem roses & having my special someone rush around the car just to open the door for me =)
Funniest moments ~ *SNoRt!!* (heads turn ..) o_0 hehehe & there's just no and ... you CAN'T beat that snort!
Night's phrases ~ "Man-er. umm .. Man-OR?" "Dim sum. Windsor? Dim sum! Windsor??!" ".. like a tied sausage!" "Who me?? errr I have a twin .. yeahhh" ".. like professional Salsa Dancers!!!" "He tried to tie them back ... they won't know the difference"

2003-01-31T02:59:00.000-05:00

sometimes

... i just want to stop trying

2003-01-29T23:19:00.000-05:00

F*CK BUSH AND HIS G*DDAMN WAR

2003-01-29T03:19:00.000-05:00

Distant contacts ... It's been weird lately. The past week I've found myself re-evaluating many of my connections with people from past and present. It is easy to often hide behind the fascade that the status of "upperclassmen" or "graduating senior" awards me the priviledge to be more reclusive, allowing my interpersonal relations with others dwindle ... but is it really all justified? What type of impression or legacy do we wish to make upon those still left in that stage of life that we are currently departing from? We all wish to be remembered but at the same time I can't help but feel that the benefits of socializing for the sake of socializing are greatly over-rated when time could be better on things of greater importance ... School, family, career .... Oh who am i kidding?!!! Please, let's all be honest here and say that perhaps a good 50% of our time is spent either in front of the tv or on the internet ... like right now. So is it just pure laziness?? Have I just lost the utter desire to make that effort to "smooze" and network?? geez, if I'm having trouble with things like this now, how will it be when I've got to deal with corporate big shots with those plastered smiles and forced greetings?? - ok perhaps i worry a bit too much

Existant relationshipsSo what about relationships that we've already formulated with people at some time or another? I'm talking about those old friendships, past romantic itnerests, distant relatives, close relatives, all those people that you can just lump together into 2 categories:
1. "I really should call them ..." 2. "Do I really want to call them???"
In terms of the "I really should call them" group, I can only think of one explanation - LAZINESS. Whether it is the sheer utter lack of motivation to pick up that phone and dial the number, or the lack of patience to go through the whole "catching up" process, we just never pick up that phone. I mean you've heard it dozens of times out of your own or someone else's mouth about how they should call so-n-so and "I wonder how so-n-so is doing" but do we ever do anything about it? - No ... Laziness, that's all i gotta say.
But then there's the "Do I really want to call them???" group. This group usually consists of people from the past that you randomly run into and exchange the customary "Hiiiii, how aaaarrree you! it's been so loonnng! Here's my #, call me sometime" speel. Or the occassional Im's or e mails that you get from acquiantences from the past that you've either a) forgotten or b) chose to forget. So now the balls in your court ... what do you do?? There might be the possibilty of re-establishing a valuable friendship/relationship by making that effort to pick up the phone, if the relationship was a good one to begin with. But what about the second group of people? Those that you chose to forget due to either many months of nightmarish dreams about Mr or Ms. X or those that you forgot simply because there wasn't much to remember ... or so you think. It could be argued that everyone has a potential for change, whether it be because of a person's experience over the years or just the result of personal growth and maturity. But is this assumption enough basis for motivation to re-invite someone back into your life, keeping in mind that there is the very prevalent risk of that person not having changed one bit since you last remembered them? And if you choose not to respond to their open invitation of friendly converse, are you wrong for doing so and guilty of holding a grudge or stigmatizing that person through your memory's recounts, by not giving the person a benefit of the doubt? There's just so many questions and so many factors that play into such a decision, that it's hard to determine whether the decision you make is just or simply the product of the same reasoning from case 1 ... laziness.

What's your take?

2003-01-11T03:39:00.000-05:00

Inability to blog ...
Yes, those are the 3 words that best describe the past few weeks. With the utter lack of capacity and mentality, dozens of days have passed in a pitch of darkness ...
But what can i really say about the events that have passed? As much as so many indescribeable moments have transpired without a record to trace, I can't seem to find a way of representation without sounding too much like a pessimist. General gist of vacation? - Christmas: spent with a room half full of strangers and half full of friends, rather than with family. New Years: Due to a lack of motivation our ritual hs annual reunion was broken for the first time in 4 years, with myself counting down to the new year without those closest to me. (least there were good drinks =P ) Activities: Snowboarded twice, Ate snow too many times to remember, Friend's bag was stolen along with my cell phone, and best of all Caught up with some old friends =)

Currently? ... Figuring out my class schedule .. yeah stiiill, but it'll be all good in a week or so. Emotionally feeling a bit more content with my personal life but i feel this inner desire to achieve for better .. to better myself, who I am, and start taking control of my life and really guiding it to where i want it to go .. Everyone's gotta start somewhere ya kno?
This year's a new start, new chance to do things right .. I don't want to let the opportunity slip. Time to get my A$$ in GEAR!!! .. Who's wit me??! =P

2002-12-18T11:20:00.000-05:00

Hazelnut bits all over the floor
Chocolate chips chopped up to galore
Cinnamin & Nutmeg sprinkled onto the pile
2 more hrs of baking, n I'll be greeted with smiles O:-)

Ok scratch that ... the 2 hrs turned into 2 days ... I need Heart shaped cookie cutters =/ ANyone got some i can borrow?? I'll give you COooOOKiieSs!!! =D

2002-12-13T21:39:00.000-05:00

It's Friday the 13th
... maybe that's why i'm feeling so out of sync. It's as if suddenly the world makes perfect sense regardless of whether its sequences and events follow a pattern of favorable moments or that of a destructive nature. Yet at the same time those elements that seemed so tangible and concrete, now seem to crumble along with its foundations ...

... lost my train of thought ... oh well

2002-12-04T16:14:00.000-05:00

Cog Psych Paper due this Friday - 25%
HR Management Systems Presentation next Thurs - 35%
Cog Psych Exam next Friday - 30%
Decision Process Paper due Monday after - 30%
Stress Factor for the next week and 1/2 - 100%

somebody "take me awayyyyyyyyyyyyy .. to another place, resue me, save me, saaave me" *siGh* ~ *SniFfLe*
... where did that smile go?

(who can name that song??)

2002-11-29T20:54:00.000-05:00

OH MY GOSH, I AM NEVER EVER EVERRRRRRRR GOING TO SHOP ON BLACK FRIDAY AGAIN!!!!! I coulda made it halfway back to MI wit the amount of time i was drivin back!!!!

N e ways, how was everyone's Turkey Day?? =)

2002-11-27T11:51:00.000-05:00

I'M GOING HOMMMEEE!!!
HAPPY TURKEY DAY EVERYONE N HAVE A SAFE TRIP!

2002-11-25T14:31:00.000-05:00

I was .. ed... last night (courtesy of Dingle)
Currently ... FrEeeEEeZiNG!
Will be ... ing ... tonight

2002-11-24T23:59:00.000-05:00

Some MAASU LR pics ...

Don't you alll wanna be Nelson now? ;)

Too Hot to Handle!!

Hmmm .. what would they EVER do with out us? =P

2002-11-24T22:31:00.000-05:00

"Spend all your time waiting for that second chance
for a break that would make it okay
there's always one reason to feel not good enough
and it's hard at the end of the day

I need some distraction
oh beautiful release
memory seeps from my veins
let me be empty
and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight ..."

2002-11-23T02:12:00.000-05:00

HAHAHAHA Offa BadBoy's site ...
So true 'cept forget the upgrade! i just want the daymn program!!! .. hahaha =P

Dear Customer Service,

If anyone could help me with my dilemma, it's you.

Last year, I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slowdown in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0 .

And now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Desperate
-------------------------------------------------
Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Try to enter the command: C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME, and download Tears 6.2 then install Guilt 3.0.

If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, over-use can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoring Loudly WAV files.

Now, whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,
- Customer Service

2002-11-19T16:04:00.000-05:00

I'm sittin here bored outa my mind in this closetspacepoorexcuseforaresearchroom ... when i discovered something! you can listen to the radio through mediaplayer! ... too bad half the stations, wait lemme correct myself, ALL the popular stations don't work on this comp for some reason, but at least i still get the top 40 countdowns and junk.
ok ok so it doesn't seem like much, but if u were here sittin in this tiny no ventillation broom closet, you'd totally be able to see the incredible significance of such a discovery =P haha The dude givin me the top countdown sounds like a robot outa hell, but hey, it's music! =)

CAN'T WAIT TO GO HOMMMMMEEEE!!! NYC here i commmmeeeee!!! Wholman's Rink, Woodbury, 5th Ave, Bar/Lounge Hopping ANYONE?!!! =D MUUAAAHAHAHAHAHA All out just chillin! Missin my NY peeps waayy too much - come rescue meeeeee!!! =)
Too bad i'll have to do some work that weekend too though .. ya know professors and this institution like to disillusion u to believing that you're ACTUALLY gettting a break for Thanksgiving, when in FACT they are just using it as ploy to sugar coat the MASSIVE, NUMEROUS papers and finals that await your return. So basically if you decide to G*d Forbid ENJOYYYY *GaSp!* your brief couple of days at home without studying, you are soooo SCREWED when you get back ... wonderful huh? =P

BUT STIILLLLL I'M GOING HOMMMMEEEE!!!

2002-11-18T15:34:00.000-05:00

Guess WHAT?!!?
IT SNOWED YESTERDAY!!!!=o)
... well just a little =P

I'm soooo scared of the cold but for some reason I've just been really excited bout snow this year ... I can hardly wait until the campus is all covered in white and I'm sitting at home wit my hot chocolate =)
Let it snow, let it snow, let it snowwwww! (*cept for when i'm driving back to NY, then DON'T SNOW, DON'T SNOW, DON'T SNOW!!*) HAHAHA * wHat can i sAy? I'm picky ;)

2002-11-07T13:02:00.000-05:00

"At least look at me when you shoot a bullet through my head ...

Hey all I want is what's real
Something I touch and can feel
I'll hold it close and never let it go
Said why...why do we live life
With all this hate inside
I'll give it away 'cause I don't want it no more
Please help me find a place
Somewhere far away I'll go and you'll never see me again ... "
- Creed

2002-11-07T12:50:00.000-05:00

what happened to the happy, bubbly, optimistic person i used to be just months ago it seems ....

2002-11-07T12:18:00.000-05:00

I don't know what it is. I wish I could be one of those people that always had pleasant things to write about. Those entries that just make you laugh out loud or at least smile ... but I don't. I'm gettin more and more faded by everything. THe things that I say sound good at the moment but afterwards once again i find myself sitting admist a pool of anger or dissappointment towards others, and most importantly myself. Lately, i can't seem to find pleasure in too many people's company ... i'm definitley not one to measure the quality of my friends by their quantity, but the fact that so much of just everything, my trust, my hopes, my confidence, is placed in those that i do hold close, i just keep getting dissappointed time and time again. On the other hand, who am I to hold standards for other people, more specifically my frriends? Once again it seems like I am committing my old crime of holding others to the same expectations I hold of myself ... it's difficult not to.
Another thing I don't understand (apologies for my b*tching entry) is why everyone seems to treat me like they have so little respect for who i am as a person?? I understand that I sit back many times, silently, quietly, sometimes too passively, watching ... just watching. But that doesn't mean I don't feel, or I don't know, or I don't notice. I DO notice, and what i've seen is that people seem to think I'm just so easy to take advantage of, so easy to the point that you don't even notice it when you do it. I don't understand the logic behind why when things are going shitty for someone else, there seems to be this urge, this need, this calling, to go and find me so that they can feel better about themselves. Forget consequences, forget my emotions, forget caring about who I am, at that moment, that instant, i'm just good for some venting, for some outlet of self confidence boosting, ego healing, power holding moment that fades just as quickly as does my respect and my dignity. I mean, do I look like a punching bag to you? Does my self esteem, my self confidence seem more expendable than yours? will its sacrifice and destruction enable yours to grow stronger allow you to feel better??? and the saddest thing about this whole situation is that it is those who are the most close to you that are able to hurt you the most unknowingly ... or forget even the unknowingly part, let's replace it with hiding behind the silence and its comfort. and all those sheepish looks and apologies you think are adequate enough to undo what's already been done. but does it? does it, when time and time again you all still turn back to me and do the same thing over and over. i think i would be rich if i could get a dollar for the amount of 'i'm sorries' that come out of everyone's mouths. and it's funny that phrase "there's a thin line between love and hate"
... Well, silence doesn't seem to be so silent anymore does it?

2002-11-01T14:15:00.000-05:00

"my friends assure me, it's all or nothing. i am not worried, i am not overly concerned. my friend implored me for one time only, make an exception. i am not worried. wrap her up in a package of lies. send her off to a coconut island. I am not worried, i am not overly concerned with the status of my emotions.
she says you've changed. we're always changing. it does not bother me to say: 'this isn't love. cause if you don't want to talk about it, then it isn't love. and i guess i'm gonna have to live without, but i'm sure there's something in a shade of grey, or somethin in between. n i can always change my name .. if that's what you mean.'
my friends assure me, it's all or nothing. but i am not really worried. i am not overly concerned. you try to tell yourself the things you try to tell yourself to make yourself forget. to make yourself forget. i am not worried ...
But i''m not gonna break and i''m not gonna worry about it anymore. i'm not gonna bend, i'm not gonna break, i'm not gonna worry about it anymore. It seems like i should say 'as long as this is love.' it's not all that easy. so maybe i should, snap her up in a butterfly net. Pin her down on a photograph album. i am not worried. i've done this sort of thing before. but then i start to think about the consequences. i don't get no sleep, in a quiet room. and this time .... "
Counting Crows

2002-11-01T13:59:00.000-05:00

equipped with a smile in pocket, i walk and follow the crowd, lost in its lights and sounds, confusion plastered against the backdrop, of faces, people, signs, years, all things gone by. Frozen in the brevity of a cloudy puff of air, searching through the mist believing that tangibility is something that could be acquired, but just as the cloud clears, it's all the same. In a moment of peace, drowning in its comfort and serenity, all else becomes mute, and all i see is ....
hanging on a transient moment, can't catch my breath, fingers slipping on the fading thought, wondering if it really was a shade of my reality was or was it just a piece of yours. .... can you tell

2002-10-24T14:10:00.000-04:00

Is it all worth it? ....

2002-10-10T05:45:00.000-04:00

No matter how long it's been since I've played that CD ... Pink Floyd will never cease to put me in an untouchable state of mind: read on ..

Take It Back
Her love rains down on me easy as the breeze
I listen to her breathing it sounds like the waves on the sea
I was thinking all about her, burning with rage and desire
We were spinning into darkness; the earth was on fire

She could take it back, she might take it back some day

So I spy on her, I lie to her, I make promises I cannot keep
Then I hear her laughter rising, rising from the deep
And I make her prove her love to me, I take all that I can take
And I push her to the limit to see if she will break

She might take it back, she could take it back some day

Now I have seen the warnings, screaming from all sides
It's easy to ignore and G-d knows I've tried
All of this temptation, it turned my faith to lies
Until I couldn't see the danger or hear the rising tide

She can take it back, she will take it back some day

She will take it back, she will take it back some day

Coming Back To Life
Where were you when I was burned and broken
While the days slipped by from my window watching
Where were you when I was hurt and I was helpless
Because the things you say and the things you do surround me
While you were hanging yourself on someone else's words
Dying to believe in what you heard
I was staring straight into the shining sun

Lost in thought and lost in time
While the seeds of life and the seeds of change were planted
Outside the rain fell dark and slow
While I pondered on this dangerous but irresistible pasttime
I took a heavenly ride through our silence
I knew the moment had arrived
For killing the past and coming back to life

I took a heavenly ride through our silence
I knew the waiting had begun
And headed straight . . . into the shining sun

With lyrics like these, I can't help but feel so lost and melted into one with the music ... Not necessarily is it a state of depression that the soft sad notes played on their guitar, that their music brings you into. It is more like a state of peace. They sing about war, peace, freedom, and oppression, of which their music is so expressive of ... yet despite the clear cut implications and message that their lyrics were meant to convey, one can still feel a personal connection to the sounds and words that reach out past the decades and encapture all of which you personally experience in your own world, making your thoughts and state of mind intangible to those beside you. ... I dunno how else to describe it, maybe it's best if you just pick up a Floyd album and see for yourself ... =)

2002-10-05T20:26:00.000-04:00

some days are just worse than others ..
but it can't rain all the time right?

2002-10-04T14:17:00.000-04:00

Unwanted observations ... WTF(reak)?!!! - That's it, i'm not gonna listen to anyone else anymore. Shooot, the more people say the more they make me think n the more i start questioning n second guessing my every action. Retarded, simply retarded. I was doing perfectly fine, or at least on the road to pretty-close-enough-perfectly fine until ....

i say just let me have a break from my brain for ONCE and continue NOT to think. IT'S VERY RARE!!! let me cherish these brief moments of PEACE. I just want to live life to its fullest right now n not excessively analyze or think so much. Sometimes things are just better this way ... ya know?
So if ur a friend, I really appreciate all the advice and etc. cuz G** knows i really need it, but for now lemme just ... be

2002-10-04T00:38:00.000-04:00

STUPID-GHETTO-STUCK-UP-PIECE-OF-SHIT-ANAL-ASS-NOT-WORTH-A-DIME-RETARDED Blind Pig! Only in Michigan are people anal enough to kick people out for taking a small-less-than-a-second sip of a drink. I shoulda known better though. I mean considering the fact that last year i was kicked out for drinking like 4 drinks while underage, and then had a friend of mine's ID confiscated cuz another friend tried to use it ... why am i still surprized that they would kick my friend out for a small ass sip??? I apologize PROFUSELY to my gurl EVE though ... I'm sooooo sorry gurl. I shouldn't have offered u that sip when i knew they had sticks shoved so far up their asses. =( sooo sorry to ruin your nite ='(

damn ... tonight sucked major A$$

2002-10-02T18:21:00.000-04:00

OMG (only thing that stuck out from 4 hrs of my research assistants job) ~ Get this... here's an excerpt from a transcript of an psychology experiment studying the link between traits and heretibility and genetics:

Participant: .. Ah, culture, you can also inherit your culture.
Participant: and maybe that's part of it too. Although that's certainly not genetic.
Interviewer: Mmmhmm.
Participant:But, ah, are you Chinese?
Interviewer: Korean
Participant: You like ah, I'm not going to go into that
Interviewer: (laugh)
Participant: Our buddy Johnny Kim was always talked aobut ah, kimpo, is that what it is, the cabbage?
Interviewer: Oh, Kimchee
Participant: Kimchi. Do you like Kimchi?
Interviewer: yeah, I eat it. Umm,
Participant: How can you stand the smell? It's a culturally inherited trait.
Interviewer: (laugh)

Ok so granted the person was using it as an example to demonstrate his take on the link between genetics and traits, STILL: "CULTURALLY INHERITED TRAIT?!!" ... I feel bad for the interviewer just reading bout this. I mean if I'm not mistaken, a person need not be Korean to appreciate Kimchee, it's smell, taste, or anything about it ... same goes for McDonald's i mean do you NEED to be American to appreciate the smell or taste?? How come no one uses THAT as an example???

*Simply ExAspEraTeD*

2002-09-30T03:26:00.000-04:00

dayyymn .. editing this html thing is hard when ur trying to learn from scratch~! Least it provides some fun challenge =) N e 1 got some tips as to how to make my links show up in diff colors wen u hover over them and click on them? hehehe

On other stuff - Things have been getting kinda busy ... The org i'm heading this year (APA101) is definitely a lot more work than I had imagined. Seems like we keep meeting every other day yet we STILL manage to forget one thing or nother before the next meeting. Grrrr .. it's frustrating cuz we both want this program to be so good this year, n it's like we keep hitting hurdle after hurdle. But oh wellz, not gonna let small challenges faze me, gotta just keep going strong and stay hyped =) GO APA!!!! ... er ..... yeah =P
Otherwise than that, not much is up. Trying to get my life straight. Get rid of all the bs and just deal with the stuff that really counts. Hmm .. like maybe SCHOOL??!!!?!!!! WHAT have I been DOING?!!!!!! I've been so preoccupied these last few weeks and even now with these excessive thoughts, that I've made myself so stressed as to have a headache almost everyday n also manage to get all my priorities mixed up. Shooot, i gotta start crackin on the real impt stuff now. ... I'm graduating this year. can you believe it?!!! I'm in shock just from the concept~! HAHAHAHAHAH
Yeah so it seems like the job search might not be as easy as i thought. Been thinking that i've had pretty good luck up till now, but i think that jinxed me cuz everything seems to point in the other direction now.
So here's my backup: Take the summer off n study for my GRE's. Then apply for Grad school in California to concentrate more on Organizational Behavior topics.
I figure it's the best of both worlds that way. I get a chance to FINALLY move and start anew (desperately craving to do lately), n it won't be too long. Just 2 years to experience another life, another beginning ... and them come back to NY for good (... maybe)

oh wellz, we'll see .. still too early to plan out the rest of my life =D heeheheh .... lemme just worry bout that paper n exam comin up for now ;)

2002-09-28T19:25:00.000-04:00

you can't make a situation seem like something that it is not. no matter how hard you try to change your perception, no matter how much you wish to think otherwise and try to believe in what is not there ... in the end, things are still the way they are. It's time to stop rationalizing. Time to stop distorting reality and just finally accept things for their true form and being.

there's much more to life than friendships and relationships that lead you only to a dead end and back again. ...

2002-09-26T21:56:00.000-04:00

how did things end up this way?
a need to escape is slowly creeping upon me ...
once again, i wish to be ... gone.

2002-09-24T21:58:00.000-04:00

<-- Sadly this has been me lately. If I don't need to go out, I don't. If I didn't schedule a meeting to see you, then you won't see me. I go to class, come home, eat, occassionally go for walks, attend meetings, and beg people to hire me. geez, what a SAD SAD state I have sunken into~! Something's gotta be done!
Eh .. .if all else fails .... hahahahahah, just playin ;)

2002-09-21T23:38:00.000-04:00

::silence::

2002-09-20T03:43:00.000-04:00

On a lighter note ....

Went to our ritual Thurs. Dominick's run and once again we managed to goof off the rest of the evening. hehehehe =) Let's put it this way, we were flashed multiple times with men dropping their shorts in front of us, exposed to hidden "gay" (HAHHA) curiousities of men trying on women's 4 iin. heels, had my indecencies exposed involuntarily to the public, lost consistently at the 5-10-15-20 drinking game that I introduced, competed in endless rounds of "connect four" (Go for it Connect 4! hahaha .. just had to sing that =P ), and managed to spend over 3 hours sitting in Bubble Island without having one cup of bubble tea (<-- how does THAT happen?!!) Hehehe, yup, so that concludes our day of funny mishaps and misbehavior ... till next time ;)

2002-09-20T03:32:00.000-04:00

I would just like to announce that i've just tasted my first dosage of failure ... For the first time i was REJECTED from a job. =0! they rejected Moiiii!!!! Overqualified, hard working, full of people skillz, MOI! ='( oh wellz ... so much for gettin that awesome job. Thing that irks me bout this whole situation though is the way in which this lady went about breaking the news to me. I mean since last friday (interview) she gave me the impression that the chances of me getting this job was pretty much set, with the only problem being funding. Now here's my question (n that of many others): Shouldn't she have made sure she had funding BEFORE she began interviewing??! Now aside from that she told me she would meet with the funding staff on tues, n that if she didn't call me then to call her by wed. Wednesday comes rolling around n i call her only to hear that she was walking right into the meeting at the moment n she'd call me right back afterwards. (ummm ... wasn't the meeting supposed to be on Tues??) 5pm comes ... no phone call. Considering the fact that this lady made the whole interview process seem like i was searching for a full time position (she even called all my references) rather than a part time gov't aided work study position, she sure seemed unprofessional with her own procedures. Called her back on Thurs. only to recieve a "oh yeah, ummm .. i did have that meeting but they cut the amount of work study students i could hire from 4 to 1. If it was 2 then i would have hired you but i can't now ... " Two letters in response: BS! Knowing that during the interview process she revealed to me that her #1 candidate at the time just accepted an offer to work elsewhere, i KNOW that she didn't have anyone else in mind. SHOOoooOOT~! I mean if ya didn't want me in the first place then you didn't have to lead me on and make me think like i GOT the job! ... What a wasted week! now i gotta go find another job to cover my debts .. geez some people are really inconsiderate! I told the lady "no problem" cuz i didn't want her to feel too bad, n u know what she told me??? she was like "oh yeah there's a problem! i don't know how we're going to get all this work done with such a cut back" ... HELLO??!!! no offense but you just d*cked me over so naturally i have no interest in your "problems". I'm UNEMPLOYED!!! ='(
ack! enough blowing off steam and dealing with stupid people ... time to search for a new job

2002-09-14T02:46:00.000-04:00

when we say that we wish for someone to be "happy" - is that happiness under our OWN terms or under THEIRS?

I mean let's take this apart a bit. We've all at some point in our lives wished for a certain somebody to be happy at all costs. We encourage our friends, family, acquintances to pursue this state of existence, yet is this under THEIR personal definition of happiness, or is it under OUR OWN concept of happiness for them?

They say true love, true friendships is about looking after the best interests of that person and not your own. It's just like that saying "if you truely love someone/something then let it go." Yet it is the common case that when we see our friends pursue a path we deem unjust or unsettling in our eyes, we openly discourage rather than encourage. On one hand this could be justified by our care for the person, and looking out for their "best interests" but on the other hand could it not be seen as selfishness as well?
The possessions, relationships, careers, just everything that makes a person happy, vary from human to human. So in essence what i'm trying to get at is this: By us sitting around and discouraging those close to us from heading down a path that we don't deem fit - is that out of our sincere care or rather of our own selfishness for imposing our "standard" of "happiness" upon them?

Could it possibly be that the real reason why their decisions seem disturbing is due to the fact that the consequences of their actions don't necessarily coincide with the best interests of the already existing relationship or bond between those involved? ... If this is indeed the case, I can't help but question the motives of my own advice and my personal feelings on how much of their happiness could be obtained by the actions in question, without wondering whether it was a result of my own selfishness.

Would a TRUE friend or confidant put aside all of their own views and personal objections no matter the difficulty associated with it, and accept the person for who they are and for the choices they make?
As I stated before "They say true love, true friendships is about looking after the best interests of that person and not your own." - so am i true?

You can't force a person to view the world through your eyes ... you can only hope that they allow you the opportunity to share it with them

2002-09-12T02:09:00.000-04:00

i'm dissappearing for a few days.

2002-09-11T19:25:00.000-04:00

A year later ... I'm lost for words

We should take this time to embrace life. Pick up that phone, raise your arms for a hug, open your heart and express to your family, your friends, your loved ones how much you care for them ... u never know when's last time.

2002-09-10T19:56:00.000-04:00

With age and experience: do we progress or regress?

do our hearts beat faster than our minds can think,
do our breaths seem shorter than our blood can drink?
will our spirits die down with each passing blink,
lost in fading memories like a fleeting stars wink?
with hopes of our presence lingering past its bodily link,
slowly sinking in a lonely silence ... do you think?

2002-09-10T19:51:00.000-04:00

I believe the word is "addict" ...
Yes, I am an addict of blogging and the internet - everyday for at least an hour or two of my day, you can be sure to find me sitting by this window, staring at my computer screen doing nothing else but, your's truely - yup you guessed it - BLOGGING! hahahah .. well whether it's blogging or reading people's blogs, It seems the more you type, the more you post, the more u get sucked in cuz "OOOoooo! so-n-so is linked too!!!"

*Ack! what has this world come to? Are we reduced to nothing but words scribbled - oh wait, lemme correct that - TYPED onto an impersonal web page (that usually isn't even a reflection of our own taste since the comp illit half of us are restricted to preset templates.) , in order to stay in touch? What ever happened to the old fashioned ways of a - *GaSp!* - Phone Call?? With this new Blogging (ok ok, Xanga-ing too <-- that a word??) revolution, added on to the already existant-out-of-hand AIM craze, will we be doomed to forget the voices of our friends - even the voices of ourselves?? hahahahahaha I mean who needs to talk anymore if we could just TYPE about it? =P
Ok-ok, so i'm taking it a bit far, but u get the gist~! =P

... Welcome to the new technological age boyz n girls - brace urselves!

2002-09-08T13:10:00.000-04:00

when i should feel better ...

... why do i feel worse?

2002-09-06T03:39:00.000-04:00

I'm lost in a sea of
engulfed in a rage of
consumed with too much
sinking uncontrollably to

slowly surfacing
drifiting afloat
surrounded in wants
lingering hopes
in all the should haves
now that never was

.. xin li xiang yao de
nao.2 li xiang wang de
mien.4 zi bu rang de
zi.4 yong yuan kou.3 bu li.2

si qu de shi jian,
xi wang de cong qian,
mien dui zhe ming tian,
yao zhe me neng cai gai bian?

.. ye xu
ne shi hou de wo, yi jing bu shi xian zai de wo ...

(*please excuse my primative vocab in chinese ... first time trying to write in it)

2002-09-06T03:26:00.000-04:00

Do you ever wish time was a tangible thing? Like the solid arms of a clock, to be able to touch, to hold, to turn. Would life be different, would it be happier?

If we could control the passage of time with every whim of our hearts would that mean life would be truely what we wish it to be. Would we end up in a fabricated world of which each person's time frame and lives wouldn't coincide; some being as far apart as the air separates the sky from earth, and some as close as the rhythm of a person's heart to their breath?
Could it be that it is the lack of human ability to control time that consequently leads us to a state of suffering and dissatisfaction that we so often find ourselves in?
if so, then there must be one human ability we do possess that leads us to our brief states of happiness and content

... for the life of me i can't figure it out

2002-09-05T01:24:00.000-04:00

Ok wanna hear a stupid story?

So today at the HUGE student union, I exited its main entrance to see Ginny and John sitting on the steps. In the midst of my excitement, I hopped and skipped with open arms to their side ... well in between us soooo happened to be 2 small flights of stairs. I cleared the first flight no problem, but eh .. the second one. well let's just say I FLEW down the stairs and landed on my knees in front of EVERYONE!!! HAHAHAHAHA =P Tryin to play it off like it was nothing, I proceeded to say hi to them but my left knee hurt sooooo BAD!! I have this HUUUUGE welt on my knee AAAAND i messed up my BRAND NEW WHITE sneakers!!! *SniFfle!* eh ... least i had a good laugh =P hehehehe

ps ... I managed to be smart enough n bang my left knee AGAIN on the floor ... *SigH ~ I'm such a clutz!

2002-09-05T00:05:00.000-04:00

Evelyn gave me a heart attack and a half today ... thought there were vandals around or something, hahaha

interesting ..

2002-09-03T15:34:00.000-04:00

HAHAHA ... ok so I come back to Michigan all determined to be ambitious and pursue my future career with an AWESOME HR job this year. All pumped up, I perused the large collection of postings on the wonderful U of M work studies site (cuz we ALL know how much they love to give us in Work Study Aid - does annnyone EVER use all of that up??? =P ) and I found the "AWESOME HR" job I was looking for, and the best part about it is IT'S PAIIIID $10.50/HR!!!! (Annnnd I so happen to have worked for one of their staff before ;) Double Woo Hooo! ) =0! No more free labor!!! HAHAHAHA. Watch out guyz, Jenny's enterin the work force! =D hehehe ... Now here's the real sad part bout this story though ~ I refuse to use my day time minutes to call for an interview. HAHAHAHA! .. But wait before you truely believe I am insane lemme just first say that I am over my minutes by 400 daytime Min = bout an extra $150 AT LEAST. So yeah, if any of u call my cell before the 5th of Sept. Sorri guyz, I ain't pickin up! =P

2002-09-02T23:18:00.000-04:00

Classes start tomorrow. Dunno how to feel bout that. Considering I should be sitting here complaining and resisting with all my might ... in a sense I kinda look forward to going back to that endless routine. you know, the one where you wake up (or not) and drag urself to class, "attempt" to take notes while trying not to fall asleep, taking breaks with friends for lunch, n then head back all to do it again the next day. hehehe what's there not to love? =P hahahaha

anyways, yeah so classes are starting. Still feel like I'm not fully ready to go back yet. The routine life sounds appealing but i dunno, maybe it's my obsession with having things perfect but there seems to be too many loose ends still left unresolved. Perhaps it's better to leave things the way they are and you know ... start anew. But then again to start anew doesn't that require letting go of the past? and does letting go fo the past equivel forgetting? and at the same time is it cowardace or bravery that motivates us to do so? In essense it's like an endless cycle in which each person struggles to escape their past worries in order to start anew but at the same time the more you run away the more you can't seem to hide from it .. or maybe running isn't the solution and neither is letting go. Ahhhh! Too much thinking la! hahaha
I guess we're all looking for some alternative to facing our dillemnas, hmm ... just can't win huh?

Onto other issues, since we've moved into this apt (last wed), this place has gone through messiness and a (very) short period of cleanliness. Can someone explain to me how a place could get so messy when you juuust moved in?? Maybe the constant state of chaos and messiness just follows us where we go (those of you who've seen our apt last year kno what i'm talkin bout =P ) Eh, oh wellz what u gonna do =P hehehe

Nother thing bout this apt. Seriously I feel like such a stalker. Our living room has these HUGE windows facing the parking lot, and every single time a person exits or enters their car we could hear. Especially since my computer is stuck in the living room (due to lack of extension cords) I think the 2 of us have become unintentional professional stalkers. hahahaha. But for realz tho someeeething's gotta be done!
I'm tellin ya these windows are nothin but trouble, if u sleep on the couch (which i've done the last week) u literally get an automatic tan just from sunrise~! hahahaha. Trust me, it's VERY uncomfortable. hmm .. maybe we should close our shades more often ... yeaaaaah =P ...

k that's all boyz n girlz, time to unpack further and let my thoughts consume me ...

2002-09-01T13:39:00.000-04:00

Yuck~!
Too much alcohol is bad for the system. Day after n i'm STILL feeling dizzy .... =/

2002-08-27T00:58:00.000-04:00

Can't I just be a conformist? Why's it always gotta be difficult? Why am I always tempted to do stupid things?? .. ok I think it's back to the drawing boards ...

Duckie299: i think i've been doing too much talking, n too little thinking ..
BaDB0YxR1: i think you been thinking too much and too lil drinking
Duckie299: hahahah, yeah that too

Simplicity at it's best ... yeaaaaaaaah! hahahahahaha =P

ACK!! Leaving in 36 hrz n I STILL haven't packed yet!! =0! uh oh ...

2002-08-27T00:32:00.000-04:00

I just feel like life is moving so fast n i'm fighting hard to keep up but i'm always a step behind. it's like the moment u feel you have a grasp life just throws you another curve to deal with. If there was a God or Superior being up there maybe it's "its" way of making us fight to grow stronger, strive to do better, and accomplish what we ultimately wish to achieve. In that sense then maybe these challenges are for the better, and ultimately serve a purpose. But at the same time how do we as mere human beings know when we've reached that point of understanding, of learning, of gaining and begin to realize the bigger picture? Or maybe this is just an example of selfish human behavior in which we wish to gain from everything. ... ugh, i don't know. My own thinking has worn me out! hahahaha =P

... At a moment of which I found myself most confused and lost I read your words and realized the value of friendship. Even as I stood there questioning my own worth and identity, you showed me the faith I thought I had lost and the strength (i stupidly underestimated) of our friendship. I don't even know where or how to begin to thank you for all the times that you've been there for me and for the years that I've been "blessed" to know you. All I could do is show you through the hope that you've enabled me to find again, and say that I hope with all my heart that our friendship will be one that lasts a lifetime. With as much knowledge as these 21 years have shown me (or not .. hehe), I know that to find a friend like you is truely rare and is a gift that I will always cherish, I can only wish to be as good a friend to you as you are to me.
Thank you.

2002-08-22T20:27:00.000-04:00

I'm making public my new vow to befriend only gay men. hahahahha. Let's look at the benefits:
1. They're HOT - come on girlz we ALLL know that the hot ones are ALWAYS gay!
2. They know how to SHOP - With MY fashion sense, I think I need ALL the help I can get! =P jp ;)
3. There's NO chance of romance - What better than a cute cuddly guy with no complications? ;)
4. One MOVIE to sum it ALL: My Best Friend's Wedding - Enough said! =P

Ok so my only question is .... Where all the gay men at?? =P
hahahahah I'm just playin =P
*please take no offense at my sad attempt at humour =P

2002-08-22T20:01:00.000-04:00

COuld I be Retarded for just one moment and just do this .....

BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHH~!!!!!!!!

Just had to do that. With everything being so tense and all this drama ... something retarded needs to be done to lighten up the air.

Seriously think I could write a soap opera or tv series on this summer and make billions .. hehehe .. hmmmm maybe that's where the money lies.

k, i'm done.

2002-08-18T18:32:00.000-04:00

u asked what i desired ...

... I only wanted my friend back

2002-08-18T01:57:00.000-04:00

I should have stayed away ... i just couldn't.

how come what I want and feel matters nothing ...

Why didn't I just listen, why didn't I just stay away ...

2002-08-11T21:01:00.000-04:00

i'm so lost and ... just sad

today i thought i'd get a tatoo to remind me always ... i thought of a sunflower.
in its own ways it has its significance.
would i learn from this? ...
... i don't know

... i'm so confused

2002-08-08T21:20:00.000-04:00

anxious??!

I have no more words for you.

2002-08-08T21:01:00.000-04:00

Ironically ...

... wo xiang ni yi biao xian de fei chang ming bai
wo dong, wo ye zhi dao, ni mei yo she bu de.
ni shuo ni ye hui nan guo, wo bu xiang xing.
qian zhe ni, bei zhe wo, ye zhi shi ceng jing.
xi wong ta shi zhen de bi wo hai yao ai ni ..

Ni yao wo shuo duo nan kan?
wo gen ben bu xiang fen kai.
wei shen me hao yao wo yong wei xiao lai dai guo?
wo mei yo zhe zhong tien fen.
bao rong ni ye, jie shou ta
bu yong dan xin de tai duo
wo hui yi zhi hao hao guo.
ni yi jing yuan yuan li kai, wo ye hui man man zhou kai.
Wei shen me wo lian fen kai dou qian jiu zhe ni.
wo zhen de mei you tien fen.
An jing de mei zhe me kuai.
wo hui xue zhe fang qi ni, shi yin wei ...

I guess for you, she was worth the price.

for me, none of this was worth it.

... I wish i never met you.

2002-08-08T20:40:00.000-04:00

How much does it take for a person to crack?
How long until you can't take it anymore?

Nothing is what i imagined it to be.

Life is still about the decision we make.
Its outcomes and where one ends up is guided everyday by it.
hiding behind ignorance is still a conscious choice.
commiting what you never thought you would, is still a conscious choice.
Its just a question of where your value is placed.

I refuse to believe anything. Belief in something you have nothing to show for, faith in what you wish to be true, using what little bit you have left ... I don't see the reasoning.

Words coming out, pouring out ... empty words. lost words.
What I still see is nothing. Nothing to show for ... even now.

Is it so easy to walk away. giving up ... so easily.
not worth the effort. not even worth what little truth is in those words.
No regrets. No remorse ... life is still going on.
that i do see. that is substance for basis of belief.

Words are still empty.

Nothing to show for ... even now.

2002-08-06T17:36:00.000-04:00

I DROVE TO THE CITY AND BACK TODAY!!!! WOOO HOOOOO!

NO PEDESTRIANS OR CARS HARMED!!! DOUBLE *WOOOO HOOOO~!!!* HAHAHAHAHAHHAA =P

2002-08-05T23:33:00.000-04:00

Intersting ...

My boss offered me a position today. wow ... a real position. but he knew i couldn't take it. Still ... wow, he thought to offer me a position. I don't know what else to say except .. wow.

Sometimes I'm really confused as to why people act the way they do. I mean, why do people act completely contradictory to what they mean or completely against what they want? I just don't understnad. For instance ... Why can't Person A just tell Person C to "Get the Hell away" so that she can be with Person B?? If she really wants to be with Person B then what is she trying to say by keeping Person C on the side>?? Can't she see that that is keeping her from being with the person she wants to be with? I mean there's this chinese saying where you can't place one foot in two boats. or that American saying you can't have your cake and eat it to. I mean in situations like these, Person A shouldn't have such luxuries or rather can't make such situations work in this manner if she truely means what she says.
Decide already and be commited in your actions to reflect your decision! =( ... I just don't understand. =/

2002-08-02T17:08:00.000-04:00

Webster Hall

1. Naked men dancing with long p*n*s's ... which are fake
2. Their jiggling butts behind clouds of smoke .. seems like farting.
3. Same sketchy (now dubbing) "club Junkie" asked "Can I feel you?"... If I get to punch you
4. Lady Long Island having Sex on the Beach with a Woodchuck's ... what a relaxer.
5. Peeing in a stall where aiming seems foreign ... guys promoted to sharpshooters
6. Raving while intoxicated ... what a show.
7. Swinging 2 glowing sticks while intoxicated ... what a hazard.
8. City 5 lb rats crawling throughout the station ... always pleasant.
9. Empty house at 6 Am ... how depressing.
10. Waking up at 12 for a cancelled meeting ... head hits the floor.
13. One night of partly letting go ... priceless

... for everything else there's MasterCard

2002-08-02T16:46:00.000-04:00

Life is all about the choices and decisions we make
Each different path leading to its own ending, its own wave of events
It is these consequences that we must consider and accept
If we are to eventually find happiness

To sit passivley, knowing inwardly, watching quietly, screaming silently, all the while ... doing nothing

... solves nothing.

2002-08-01T11:17:00.000-04:00

... this sleeplessness has got to stop =/

sooooo tired. Just toss n turn n before I know it, it's 8:30 Am time for work .. *SiGh* Sooo Sooo tired ... Anyone got some Valium? Codiene? Vikadin? .. Anyone?? (*EhHeM~* .. Bora? )

2002-07-31T22:40:00.000-04:00

... YOu know what? I've realized something ... It's been a trend, If i really want something, n I put my mind to it, all it really takes is that extra splurge of guts and ambition n *WhaM!* it's accomplished. =)

Now if i could just remember this the next time I'm super hesitant bout something (probably won't b a long wait for that one .. hehehe), I'd be set to go =P

2002-07-31T22:35:00.000-04:00

Yes!~ I have finally conquered my fear! =P hehehehe

With countless amounts of death-defying experiences, close encounters with near-by zooming vehicles, Screaming passengers, and inumerable "Watch-Out!"'s, I have finally done it! ... drove on the HIGHWAY for a good hour BY MYSELF!!! HAHAHAHAHAH
ok ok, i know ur all probably rollin on the floor laughing by now, but any of you who know me ... this is a MAJOR, MAJOR accomplishment. hehehehehe ... n no body got hurt in the process ;) (Well, cept for that orange cone .. well almost ... hehehehe )
Now if I could just drive out to Michigan .... hmmmm =P

Now the sad part =(
I walked out of my building today all relieved i was goin home finally, only to find *ShoCk!* The Lilo & Stitch movie poster was GONE!!!! =0! And then to make matters worse, I make a left out of the building to find that ALLLLLLLL the Lilo & Stitch displays in the Disney Store windows are now GONE!!!! They even took down the most adorable one with Lilo kissing Stitch n Stitch making that Disgusted face like he's b out to keel over from germ overload. hehehe ... ='( *SniFfLe!*
What is there to look forward to now when i go to work??
I vote to Boycott Disney until they replace their display (or least give me one of them .. hehehehehe) .. Who's with me?????

2002-07-29T16:27:00.000-04:00

hahahahha ... in the middle of filing I came across the last name "Hitchcock" and then right after the last name "Bates" came up .. .heheheheh
Sorries, just had to share that moment ... hehehe

2002-07-29T14:12:00.000-04:00

it made me sad ...
that "oh .."
am i such a dissapointment?
I shouldn't have ...
all for a whisper
simple whisper of missing you ...

it doesn't matter.

all will be ok again
they say
when all this is over
... it won't matter anymore.

2002-07-24T01:36:00.000-04:00

they keep tellin me all this shit
N it's not like i don't already know
but what the hell can i do??
can i just tell them to shut-up
but what if they didn't say anything at all
I jsut kinda said it for them
does it make a difference?
maybe i don't want to know
maybe i don't need people to tell me
maybe i just want to let things be
and maybe, just maybe ... things will work out for themselves.

2002-07-24T01:17:00.000-04:00

UUUUURRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGG~!!!!!@@#$$@@!#$@#$%^&*(!@#$%^&!!!!

EVERYONE JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!!! (Especially my own thoughts!)

I'm so sick of this shit, maybe you're right Bora, people spend way too much time on the bullshit and way too little on the important stuff. Too bad, since the world evolves round bullshit and petty matters, there is no option to skip to the vital and just deal with it. Us humans just cant' possibly see the big picture cuz we're too busy dwelling on the details of how to get there. Maybe that's what distinguishes us from other species, whether in a good way or bad, but we do tend to place value on not only the goal but also on the process as well. At times it is the process that defines the goal rather than the other way around. But on the other hand, placing too much focus on the itty bitty details do lead us astray and lose sight of what's important and also what we ultimately wanted to achieve in the first place ... but what can you do, we're only humans.

I'm officially removing myself of all insubstantial matters of bullshit ... is that possible? Is my declaration valid? Well whether it is or not .. i've got no room nor time to deal with crap. Got to get this APA101 stuff together int he next few weeks, n contrary to what i may have believed earlier I don't think i'm halfway as qualified or amply experienced as i thought i was, to handle this job. Either way, it's gotta get done. Then 2 people jsut told me they're visiting NY on the SAME WEEKEND. Ya know, no offense .. i love it when people visit n i get to do that whole touristy thing with them (i really do) but why does it always happen on the WORST weekend??!!! when i ACTUALLY have stuff kinda planned to do?
... what can you do, the world doesn't evolve around me now does it?

2002-07-22T14:12:00.000-04:00

Is it possible to miss a memory,
a moment in time where
the pieces just fit perfectly?

Even in that passing moment,
of which it can only be,
a piece of you has been lost,
and all that is left is that memory.

Clinging to the tips of your fingers,
and now to the edge of your tongue
are simply the traces of what once was,
and what may never come ...

2002-07-21T19:34:00.000-04:00

... I jus don't know anymore =(

w/e ... anyways, went to Exit2 Thurs, got into Club Pulse for free yesterday, saw some family friends, got free drinks, n invited for the next week. Plannin on goin to Mountain Creek Sunday, Canoeing the weekend afterwards, n somewhere down the line, a visit to the beach. eh .. i don't feel like blogging anymore, that's all .

2002-07-17T14:38:00.000-04:00

Ugh ... I'm NEVER taking a lunch break at my desk again.

Thought I'd stay in and surf the web while eating my salad peacefully ... instead mail guy came around, saw the pile of outgoing packages that I and some other people piled in front of my desk, looked annoyed n asked if that was all. ... well I still had a few more packages to send out so grudgingly i interrupted my break n prepared them. The dude didn't even come back!
30 min later, super tired, i decided to put my head down for a few min. Considering there's this HUGE wall of packages in front of me I figured it wouldn't matter. ... wrong. 2 Min later a coworker came by, woke me up n told me it's a bad idea to take a nap where everyone can see me. *GrrrrRRrrrr* EVERYONE'S out to lunch n there's no one in sight ... yet the sad thing is, ... i know she's right. =(

... I'm ready to go home now

2002-07-16T17:58:00.000-04:00

Jus wanted to say ... "Can you BELIEEEEEEVE I did OVERTIME when i'm an UNPAID intern?!!!!"
All i have to say to that is ...
I'm such a sucker ...

2002-07-16T00:05:00.000-04:00

Wow, I just read over the babble i wrote yesterday, n it sounds so ... *Bleh!
After much more thinking, whole night staying up, n skipping work I've come to realize I really miss the way things used to be ... I miss Michigan .. I miss simplicity ... I miss just ... everything. ='( I don't want to be so bitter anymore. Just miss happiness is all ...

Anyways, I skipped work today. Good thing my boss is lenient ... couldn't sleep till 7:30AM n had to wake up at 8, soooo u can see why i called in sayin i was sick. Wellll, it wasn't completely a lie. hehehe yup, so even though Harry said i dunn gotta go in tomorrow, i feel I should. I wanna finish this project and start on something new.
Ya kno maybe instead of reading fiction after fiction, perhaps educational stuff is more productive. Gotta get a competitve edge, think i'll try teaching myself PeopleSoft and HTML, n ask the other interns at work to help me. =) Yeah, that sounds like good motivation ;) K well till next time ...

here's to a brand new day ... =)

2002-07-15T01:16:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow's another day at work .. I don't want to go. I do want to go. eh .. i dunno. Gotta finish writing the proposal for our employee commuter benefits program. Feelz like writing a report again, cept this time if i don't do it right, it's not an "F" I'll get .. it's a "REJECTED" probably stamped in Bright ass Red. .. no pressure, right?

Gonna visit Exit2 on Thurs for another Tao Groove hosted Happy hour. Cept their happy hours aren't happy hours .. no free drinks. oh wellz whateverz. Hope we don't run into shady people. (last wk felt super awkward dancing with an old hs friend. C, u wanna give 'em face n therefore agree to dance, at the same time "hello?! I said keep a good distance .. didn't i?)
(*once again, sorry for being in such a sour mind set .. plz ignore, it will get better )
NO planz friday but Kareoke on sat .. wanna join ?

Next week gonna try n see the Phantom of the Opera with everyone ... it'll b the 3rd time i've seen that play, but i guess good shows kno no limits to the amnt of timez u wanna go watch it. It'll tie for 1st on my list, along with Rent .. seen that 3 times too .. hehehe. Think we're gonna go clubbin that week again too ...
Honest, i like going out n this new routine that seems to have developed but at the same time it seems to be getting harder and harder to fake smiles, to keep cordial, and pretend like everything's ok. you think they can see through it?

At the same time these people are real nice. A change from the usual faces n it's actually really fun chillin wit them. Should be thankful that so far into everyone's college careers, i'm as fortunate as to meet such carefree inviting people. it's not so common anymore. Gonna post up pictures, soon as i can get a host website for them first. In the mean while guess u'll have to wait, huh? ... don't get too antsy now =P
They keep askin me who my mystery guy is, i think they're starting to think i fabricated him .. hahahahhaah, just playin =P Interesting watchin the guyz tryin to mack it with everything that has 2 leggs, boobs, n can talk though .. hahahahaha. They hound on each other everytime bout how so-n-so acted retarded the last time n blah blah blah, yet when one of them is obviously tryin to impress another girl, they all help him out in some way or another ... hehehe, guyz will be guyz what can i say? The girlz well, it's the usual chit chat bonding n gettin to know each other. It's interesting though even though the girlz are single I dont' see them tryin to flirt at all compared to the guyz who've got nothing on their brainz cept how girlz are a COMPLETE mystery to them. ;) See but that's where we come into play, givin them the insider scoop n stuff =P hahahahah ..

Anywayz everyone's real chillz n the summerz movin on slowly but surely. Gotta save a bit on the money so I could chill n enjoi the rest of the summer. Got paid last week, Yay! (well more like reimbursed, but eh .. technicalities technicalities) $150 more in my pocket, but i'm gonna save it for the end of summer ;)
Starting to pick up reading novels again. gonna finish this (as my bro calls it) complete Chick Book (geez, n i thought there was only such a thing as "chick flicks" .. think this whole "Chick" thing is gettin outa hand hehehehe) I got from Barnes n Nobles, n then i wanna read the "Bonesetter's Daughter" by Amy Tan. Saw a hard copy of it lying around my mom's room n thought it looked itnteresting. Oh yeah speaking of books, anyone got the Harry Potter Set??? Can't wait (nor spend the xtra dough) for the other movies to come out .. my curiosity is killin me! Wellz if anyone would like to join me for a quiet evening of readin, relaxing and coffee drinking gimme a ring n we'll chill ;) Thinkin bout headin to the beach to do so, .. doesn't that sound nice? An ocean backdrop, feet buried in sand, sippin on some iced tea, reading a good book ... =) Just the thought of it is relaxin! heheheh. Of course gotta bring the volleyball n disk .. Hey, can't vegetate ALL day~! =P

Yeaaaah .. i think that's what the plan will be next weekend ... If weather n mood permits, no cancellations this time .. Beach it is~!

Oh yeahhhh! Any1 up for workin out by bladin?? Bora her friend Victor n I went for the full 5 milez last Friday .. It was the bestest!!! So who's up for next week??? hehehe ... it's not thaaaaaat far, promise! =P (Kyle could vouch for that one ~ hahahahahahha ;) )

2002-07-15T00:04:00.000-04:00

I've made my decision. - Xanga really does suck. Signed up to do comments .. decided to write n the shit deleted freaking most of my message. That's what i get for retardedly giving it a shot. Anyways~
I'm gonna apologize in advance here to everyone an anyone. Shit what can i say? Jenny's in a F*ckin bad mood lately. I don't mean to be offensive to anyone or come off the wrong way, so imma apologize in advance. Seems all I do on this blogger is b*tch. Seems all i ever do nowadays to my friends is b*tch. I had this whole thing envisioned where i'd try to cheer myself up by bloggin bout all the good things that have happened recently. Bout all the new stuff n i dunno mentally trick myself or something ... guess not.

Think i just want to go away for a while. It was always "I wanna come back to NY, I need to come back to NY ... now it's just "I wanna get away." Cept contrary to the past I no longer want the people closest to me to be there. Seems everywhere I go, drama goes. THere so many problems that friends are experiencing and rather than help them sort things out, i can't even sort my own shit out. ... Who am i becoming? Didn't it used to always be friends first? but now ....

Everywhere u turn there is a hurt soul ... turn on the tv and all u hear is bout how so-n-so got killed today .. how wherever was bombed today. ... how this-place-n-that got robbed today. ... shit, what happened?
The past few weeks working at Loews I've looked around me and at times I see certain people, random people just give me hope. This man on the crowded E train smiled and made everyone laugh. We were squished beyond the point of free movement, yet this man exited the train at every stop to let new passengers on, smiled, joked, and attempted to say sorry in his poor chinese. Despite all the annoyed and exassperated *sighs* that escaped people's mouths, he somehow made everyone's mood lighter .. better. And at that point I admired the man. This total stranger, that had the courage and the strength to bring light into all those strangers' lives. - THat incident has lingered in my mind ever since.
Do you ever think that one day you'll perform some altruistic meaningful act and touch someone's lives in the same manner? ...

Witnessing these acts of hate and contrasting altruism, i've come to see that we're all so insignificant int he larger picture yet we're not hopeless. With so much going around our lives, you would think that we'd take our heads out of our own personal problems to share some compassion and care for others. Yet, at the very moment that i'm typing this my mind can't clear itself of my own thoughts and comparitably insignificant problems ... what does that say?

At the same time if we don't even have control of our own lives how do we expect to make a positive impact on others'? Do you sacrifice yourself for the greater cause or does the greater cause humble you and aid you to see through your inner turmoils? ...

Ok, i'm rambling aimlessly now ...
I don't know what i'm trying to say ... I guess at times i just wish i could detach myself and stop being so selfish so that i can take an objective perspective and solve things more efficiently and wisely, than rather through my own desire to have control over the uncontrollable. In the end, i feel as if i'm watching a slow motion balck and white silent movie that plays on endlessly while i sit by and watch. I see my own character and that of otehrs make mistakes that lead inevitably to hurt .. yet i can't scream, i can't stop them, i can't stop myself. There's no explaination as to why things happen the way they do, it's all scripted, planned, pre-destined or pre-ordained .. however u want to phrase it.

2002-07-11T12:03:00.000-04:00

i'm taking a break from blogging ... so much shit ... lack of a shovel ... lack of control ... lack of understanding ... too little words ... too much frustration ... too many fake smiles ... my face is gonna break ... just all out UUUGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH~!!!

Why can't everyone go back to being happy?!!! ..(impossible i kno .. )

2002-07-10T17:31:00.000-04:00

Gosh, so much stuff is happening I don't even know what to say, blog or do. (I apologize cuz this is gonna sound like babble)
I feel so bad right now for two of my friends and personally just feel so lost (although i have no basis to). Even though it doesn't have anything to do with me directly, at the same time I don't know why but it's just really affecting me. Like I just don't understand why things like this happen ... I just don't. It tears people apart and I hate it, I hate it more than anything. .... ='(
...but at the same time, things happen ... everyone make mistakes ... we're only human ............. right?

As much as things like this aren't supposed to make any sense, you just can't help but try to find some logical explaination or some way of figuring things out that would make everything smooth over and return to the way things were.

Shit, but why the heck am i beating myself up over this when it's got really nothing to do with me aside from the fact that these are people I care about? (not that that's not important) Yes, as a certain someone keeps telling me, I think waaaaaaay too much, and even though i want to detach myself from this situation and just let it solve in it's own due course time and way, I found my thoughts wandering back to it throughout the day at work ...

*Sigh*~ ... ='(

I guess the only thing to do right now is ... If you two are reading this: Hang in there n i'm here whenever u need ...

2002-07-09T18:48:00.000-04:00

wish i could invent a happy pill ...

do you think life would be better or worse if we could forsee the events of the future? ... on one hand you could avoid unnecessary hurt ... on the other hand, everything happens for a reason ~ It's a toss up huh?

... which pill will it be?

2002-07-08T16:54:00.000-04:00

So it's been a whole long weekend without internet contact. *WheW* that was hard .. heheheh just playin ;)

4th of July Weekend ...
... began last Wednesday afternoon with 5 people at my place rushing to marinate all different varieties of meat and shrimp. *Geez!* Who'd ever think a BBQ was so tedious to prepare for?!! I mean, personally hot dogs and hamburgers are fine with me, but i guess my bro's a bit more er High-Class than I am ..=P So Thursday we had this MASSIVE BBQ at my place with about 18 of my bro's friends 1 dog (THE most cuuuutest puff of white!!!) roaming around the backyard. Everyone drank the day away, resulting in a sea of faces suffering from the notorious "Asian Flush". hehehe .. My bro got kinda piss drunk and was the focus of our entertainment for a good hour, while he attempted to play Taboo (using rather crude phrases might I add .. ie "What do girls get when they get excited?" ... Answer?: Wet) <-- Yes, this is what my BROTHER said in front of me .... hahahahaha (interesting family, eh?) ;)
Spent Friday vegetating and then bracing myself for a nite of fun at Webster Hall I mean I was literally preparing myself. - All day I bummed around in my comfy Pj's n sneakers, thinking bout the horrendous pain that my feet will be feeling in less than 12 hours. (I think guys should be a heeeeck lot more thankful that they don't have to suffer the wrath of 4 inch heels! =P) hehehe.
So annnyways, we got bout 10 people together for the club, and our group ended up being some Bayside reunion cuz everyone who wasn't from HS called n cancelled. Webster hall turned out to be a lota fun, N Plus we got in for FREE!! hehehe (of course that just increased the fun two fold .. More $ for drinks *YaY~!* =P) hahaha. Drank, Danced, Raved, Bora was groped .. the usual. hehehehe ;) Luv u girl~! Came home Past 6 in the morning n collapsed into my bed. (Side note: NEVER sleep with your hair wet .. u'll end up with the Huuuuuugest poof of hair u've ever seen)
Rest of the weekend was the usual, bro got sick so i took care of him a bit .. then ditched him to go to Bar 89 hehehehe ... (Heeeey! It's not like I completely ditched him .. I took care of him first =P hehehe ) Had this STRONG Cosmopolitan that resulted in me babbling on endlessly for the rest of the night ... (My apologies to those that had to endure this =/ ) .. least I knew mostly what i was talking bout ... ? hehehe just playin ;)
Anyways so that concludes my weekend.

State of Mind
Ok, So I agree .. I DO think WAAAAAY too much, but least I'm warning you in advance this time =D HAHAHAHAHAHAH .. Better? =P
So the topic of this week hands down is - GUYS. (Come on, ur readin a girlz blogger .. Did you expect different? =P hehehe .. ok i think i just set back the feminist movement 10 yearz =P )
I'm not sure what's gotten into me lately, but I've been getting super duper defensive and short tempered with the members of that mysterious opposite sex lately. Honest, I REALLY don't know what triggered this but all of a sudden I find myself becoming Super B**ch #1 whenever a guy seems to stare at me the wrong way. =(
Case #1: Dressed in a skirt n cute tank, I was walkin out of the Subway station when some random dude smacks right into me from behind. THinking nothing of it, I walk along untiiiiiil i realized that the freakin station isn't even crowded! Considerably peeved at this point, the man gives me a sideway glance basically to see if i acknowledged the act of sleezy retardation he just performed to crop a cheap feel, making me on the anger scale of 1-10 at 12. Grrr ...
Case #2: Clubbing at Webster Hall random men naturally came up to our female dominated group to see if they could dance with us. Nothing wrong with that cept when guys came up behind me I just got super queezy n annoyed. Maybe it's my cynicism that kicks in on over kill when I'm back in Ny, but I really just don't trust any guyz at clubs here. N what does this lead to? ... welllllll, that's when i try to inch away n if they don't take the hint, I become super duper B*tchy (I admit) n give them an annoyed look n shove to get away.
*Sigh*~
I don't know what to say for myself. I mean who am I~ to be sooo rude to people when considering the context of things, it's perfectly natural for guys to approach girlz. There's just a part of me though that hangs on to (call it stupid if you must) tradition and tact. I mean if a guy came up to me and asked me to dance, even if i'm not attracted or even tempted, I'd be nice and tell them no-thanks or maybe I'd even dance with them just cuz they were nice bout it. But when some random places his arms around me and rubs himself against me, lately, I've been pretty close to appalled at the situation. If I at least knew or kinda knew the person, It'd be a little better cuz at least I know or Hope that he wouldn't disrespect me by taking advantage or groping but ... eh .. I dunno ... When did I get so defensive, short tempered n just all out Cynical??? =(

2002-07-01T17:56:00.000-04:00

Last friday was the first time i really felt like I was back in NY. Sounds weird but hear me out ...

Ever since I left for Michigan, the expectations that i had of coming back to NY to the same familiar friends and feeling of acceptance and basically just "home", was always there but never fulfilled. Can't blame anything though,since friends change and people change, and life moves on. I can't even say that I'm the same person I was 3 years ago or even live remotely the same type of lifestyle. Still, it's sad to come back and feel like nothing's the same anymore. The only thing that remained constant was that sense of comfort that i inevitably felt each time I was back in the state ... can't explain it, you just feel it.
With my mom in Taiwan, coming back to NY felt more and more pointless with each holiday vacation that came up. (I mean come on, no home cooking to look foraward to .. hehehe just playin, Moms have more purpose's than cooking .. i think =P ... Jooooke) All the old friends had their own lives ... and I? Well, I was stuck in between. In the process of hanging on to whatever remains of our group from "back in the day", I let go of chances to fully create a new life in Michigan. In a sense I wanted to form a whole new life, yet I closed myself off hiding behind the memories of what once was ... (Well it was either that or I was just lazy) =P heheheh anywaaays With each year, our group decreased in numbers .. 10 ... 8 ... 5...
Now, we all keep in touch but only come together once a year for our little Christmas get together. From what once used to be this tight knit group of inseparable friends, we now float in our own directions ... (wow, that sounds depressing ... but u get the point)

So basically with all that said, last friday I had an opportunity to hang out with my two closest girl-friends here in NY. It's been AGGGGES since just the 3 of us hung out but when we got together, it was like we never were apart.

It was amazing ...
We went blading for 3.5 Miles, bought a TON of junk food, and watched Moulin Rouge at my place ... It was just like old times but not really. Cuz the image that struck me that night was when I glanced at my other 2 friends and saw the Tiffany's Heart necklaces that we each had gotten each other as a token of our friendship. For once, we were ACTUALLY wearing it at the same time (heheheh - u guys kno what i'm talkin bout ;) ) and at that moment I realized that our friendship hasn't changed one bit even though we have ...
I guess what I'm trying to say through all this long jibberish is that I found that comfort in returning to New York again ... Except now I realize it wasn't the fact that NY was never home, it was just never the "home" that i kept holding on to. We've all gone through our changes, and we all live our own separate lives, but coming to the realization that the most important things that were left behind never dissappeared, has enabled me to finally see and accept New York as the home that it really is.

2002-07-01T14:07:00.000-04:00

I'm keeling over without my sweet internet!!! Staring at my cell phone screen with random IM messages bleeping for my attention, suffering the painstakingly annoying process of punching in each letter of my reply (going cross-eyed in the process), only to find out that my slow a$$ response wasn't quick enough, therefore no longer making sense, is really just not cutting it. (*PheW* that was a mouth full!) Someone save me and buy me a new modem?? ;) hehehehe ... had to ask =P
This whole weekend I've been itching to blog but instead all i could do was sit there and listen to my thoughts answer themselves in my mind ... scary huh? THANK GOD, i'm back at work with internet connection again!!! YaY! (I know I know, how often do you hear someone thanking god that they're at work??? ... See what internet deprivation does to a person?!! =P )

Onto other stuff tho. Basically this past week n weekend has been rather full of excessive spending of money that isn't, and never was, mine to spend ~ but what else is new? Been trying to get a second job though .. Applied to Outback, Applebees, n Barnes & Nobles. (The Outback application actually referred to its employees by some corny name that was somewhere along the lines of "Outbackers" ... Geez, i think i'm REALLY getting desparate~! ) Things aren't looking too bright in that department and now I'm starting to debate whether I'm really as desparate as to hike up my skirt n show some skin at the local bars for tips. ='( I don't mind serving drinks but the thought of catering to middle-aged-bored-with-home working men who get rowdy and rude with each additional drink, isn't quite settling for the mind. eh ... i guess we'll see.

Aside from the lack of money situation, met a buncha random people at this kareoke bar last saturday. I actually had fun and didn't mind singing! *ShOcK!* Maybe cuz they sang a buncha cheesy boy band songs and sang just about as outa tune as I did, I felt rather at home n at ease. ;) hehehehe

2002-06-27T14:27:00.000-04:00

Wow! I am feeling such a HUUUUGE sense of accomplishment! Just finished creating and compiling data for a collective table of comparisons for my boss =) heheheh .. ok I kno i kno, such a dork! But hey, the thing took me FOOREVER and a day just to finish, n now IT'S DONE!!! YaY!
K time for lunch, my hands are shaking from starvation =/

Things are finally looking brighter ... =)

2002-06-26T14:04:00.000-04:00

OMG! Grrrrr ... this is what i get for trying to be fancy withthis html thing.

I tried making all mylinks in my previous entry a different color .. n well i succeeded in deleting half the entry by accident and turning the rest of my blogger red ... ='(

*Sniffle*

This isn't going well ...

2002-06-25T19:24:00.000-04:00

What a hectic (n FUN) weekend! ;)

Friday nite saw Lilo & Stitch, n i was alllmooost-close enough-nearly brought to tears. There! I said it ... I actually admit that I was moved by a little blue alien .. yes, it can happen =P I might have laughed during Titanic, but at least I can say I almost cried for Stitch. Seee i'm not completely without emotions ;)hahahahahhaha

Annnnnyways, so Sat. was Kyle's 21st B day. Went to CPK for some quick dinner n some tangy er orangy looking chicken on pizza, while we waited to get into Serendipity's. =) The frozzzen Hot Chocolate there is soooooooo yummmy!!! ~mmm mmm mmm~ Simply delectable! ;) But advice for future visitors, EVERYTHING there is super duper BIG!! so yeah ... after what seemed like countless numbers of sipps, most of my drink was still left while Kyle surprizingly drank most of his. I'm impressed! ;) hehehe. So after Serendipity's we met up with some UMich people at Pressure for some drinks n then headed to Punch to whip out the dance moves =P Ohhh yeaaaah~!

Sunday, spent the morning finishing up a project, then keeled over to recuperate from minimal sleep n exhaustion. I think I succeeded in annoying my aunt all afternoon with my incoherent mumbling. hehehehe

After a day of rest, it was back to work I went! But least I got to meet up with Dave, Jackie, Jenny, Rich, Lynn, Shaft, and Hudson, for a quick tour of Central Park n Fifth Ave. We walked all over the place looking for the Great lawn but .. er .. let's just say we found the next best thing? - A subway station! hahahah We were soooo exhausted and hungry that the crowded 6 train seemed like it was sending us to heaven! (Bubble tea n Chinese food) hehehe

Anways so now it's my day off n I don't feel like doing much ... guess back to the same 'ol routine again .. eh

~*SiGh*~

2002-06-25T01:21:00.000-04:00

Ok I lied =P ...

For those of you who've already seen it .. I've got two lines for you ...
"Helloooooo, are there any aminals in here???" - Lilo
"Okay okay, so you see .... *ThuMp!*" - Stitch

hehehehee

2002-06-25T01:18:00.000-04:00

BTW ~ Lilo & Stitch is officially THE Best Disney movie ever. (why?, because i say so!!)

If any of you have not seen it yet ... GO SEE IT NOW!!! GET OFF UR "LAZY I HAVE NOTHING ELSE BETTER TO DO" SUMMER BUMMY BUTTS N GO BUY TIX!!! (at a Loews theater of course ... hey can't blame me for the Co. plug =P heheheh ... hmm maybe i'll get paid if i increase sales .... =P )

Ok, just thought I'd share .. that'll be all for now.

2002-06-25T01:11:00.000-04:00

=O!!! I just found out McDonald's has Lilo & Stitch Happy meals!!!!! Ahhhhhhhh!!! ... If I'm missing, u know where to find me ... IN A POOL OF STITCH HAPPY MEAL TOYZ!... or in McD's stealin the toys from the little kids hehehehehehe *oooops, did i say that aloud? =P

2002-06-24T00:28:00.000-04:00

... in the process of re-evaluating everything

Somewhere along the way of pursueing what I want or needed in life at the moment (job, friends, relationships), I think i've lost focus.
Perhaps the key to happiness isn't always living vicariously through the joy that others experience as a result of your efforts to please, but rather is achieved by being true to yourself, your feelings, and most importantly your values.
Gut intuition says that I'm not doing a very good job at the moment ...

Ingredients Needed: Courage, Strength, and Self-Confidence
Process: Self Betterment
Purpose: Most importantly for oneself and therefore ultimately for everyone else as well =)
Estimated Time of Completion: Summer 2002

here goes ...

2002-06-18T23:37:00.000-04:00

God, I want to get away so bad! Call me chicken shit, gutless, avoidant .. whatever you please. I just want to get away from everything, everyone, anything that I've ever come to know. Let me just start over. New environment, new chances, .. new people, new life ... where I'm INDEPENDENT!

Is it Pride or Dignity that keeps us from being comfortable with depending too much on another human being? Or perhaps it's the fear that you are alone in this state of dependency. Whatever it may be, from what I've encountered and witnessed, dependency relates a feeling of vulnerability .. of weakness. Within the person that you expose yourself to in this manner, you inadvertantly place a blind trust. But regardless of this couragous (and thoughtlessly stupid) act, there is no guarantee provided that a mutual understanding of this process is shared, unless that state of dependency is reciprocated. Ahhh ... and there is the source of the problem with dependency (and where I make my point) ... it's just too damn dependent!!!
.. don't you agree?

anyways, forget it ... i can't even verbalize myself right now

debating on a strike from blogging until i have something happy to blog about ...
what a wait that will be ...

Oh wait, i know .. did something unusual and painted today =)
Think when I grow older, I'll pick up house repairs and modifications as a hobby.
ok that's it ...